Without adoption...

~ I would be free from little bits of plastic.
~ I would spend a lot more on toys and clothes for me.
~ I would have two families to understand, the one I was born into and the one into which I married.
~ I would have less discussions about childhood special needs, attachment, trauma and loss.
~ I would have experienced less judgement about children and their behaviour.
~ I would be child-less. Not child-free in my case but child-less.

With adoption...
~ I continue to experience new and exciting toys and games without embarrassment.
~ I get to buy cool miniture clothes and marvel at the speed a child can grow at the same time.
~ I am aware of my connection through my son, to another family. Our ties are broader and have more depth. I ask questions about him in the light of them.
~ I am aware of the obstacles, the children who are different. Not odd, not wonky, not weird, just different. I accept my son's complexities and work with them. I feel empathy towards other parents with different children.
~ My shoulders are broader, I take criticism less personally, and I have become a tiger protector for my son. I am his strongest, loudest and most persistant advocate.
~ I have a person in my life who offers me so much joy, love and appreciation, alongside a healthy (for us) dose of defiant, obstinate behaviour.
~ I am a Mum, not super Mum, wonder Mum, uber Mum or yummy Mum - just Mummy.

In the wonderful words of Todd Parr:
"We belong together because you needed a home and we had one to share. Now we are a family"

National Adoption Week 2011

The Voyage

This song is one of our songs. It never fails to make me cry (in a nice happy way). Enjoy :)

"Life is an ocean and love is a boat

In troubled water that keeps us afloat

When we started the voyage, there was just me and you

Now gathered round us, we have our own crew"

On our wedding anniversary, I give thanks for our journey so far, pray for the voyage to come, and celebrate with great joy, that with Little Bear and the dogs, the Curate and I continue on with our "own crew". 

Lock The Locks - In honour of my little brother and his new life.

I have just bought  Computers and Blues by The Streets, I know I am a bit late but somehow the fact that there had been a new album by Mike Skinner et al had escaped me until now.

The very last song bears the same title as this post. It is a realisation by the artist that it is time to move on and follow his heart. This is expressed beautifully by the lyric:

" Even though to most it looked random
My heart had left I was just going in tandem"

On very first hearing I thought of my brother, who is soon to emigrate to Switzerland. His fiancee has already moved over and begun her new job and my brother is left behind to "lock the locks" so to speak, to finish off at work and then continue to Geneva. In my brother's case his heart (Lauren) has physically already left of course.

My brother and I are like chalk and cheese, and fought like cat and dog for most of our childhoods. He is a 6 feet tall 16 stone rugby playing naughty boy, and I am a 6 feet tall weakling who does a good line in fooling folk that I am a goody two shoes (or so I like to think). However I would like to get this down in writing for all the world to see:

 I love you Bro!

I am immensely proud of you all all you have accomplished so far, and wish you both all the very best in Geneva. You go with my thoughts and prayers and buckets of love. xxx

Keeping it personal

When I was a child, one of the most exciting things that could possibly happen was to receive visitors to our house. My brother and I would make signs saying "Welcome" for any overnight guests and lovingly decorate them with our felt tip pens. I would very nearly implode with excitement when the moment arrived and the doorbell rang...and then I would freeze.

The terrifying moment would overwhelm me. I loved having guests to visit, and I loved the attention they gave us while they stayed with us, but I absolutely hated being kissed and cuddled by them in greeting or as a goodbye ritual.

It's quite strange really, I have no idea why I reacted in such a way. My parents were very good at showing affection and I was happy to held and kissed by my parents, and they were responsive to us children. In adulthood I have a loving demonstrative relationship with my husband and son. I am still uncomfortable with showing physical affection to anyone other than my immediate family. Although I recognise that there are times when other people would appreciate a hug and that this action, for them, speaks louder than any words. Anyone who knows me well, knows also that there are times when I have very much appreciated the physical show of affection, and I wish to thank them for their support at those times.

As a general rule my personal space is indeed personal. Now I am an adult I can choose who to keep at arms length and when. Thank goodness. I will always require my own son to be polite and respectful, but I will never insist he shows affection physically to anyone. If you are in receipt of a hug from my son or myself, you are highly favoured. 

Why I love my Dog

Darling Monty dog is gorgeous and soft, cuddly and cute, and a real joy to have as a part of our lives. There is nothing more endearing than watching Little Bear kiss us goodbye as we go off to walk Monty, and then bending down to give Monty a cuddle and kissing the top of his head. Monty likes lie across the Curate on the sofa in the evenings and loves nothing more than a vigourous tummy rub, and the welcome we receive when we come back home, whether we have been out for the day or 10 minutes is a sight to behold.

Life with a doodle is never a dull one and occasionally a touch frustrating. He is attracted to mud and soaks it up like a sponge, then once dry he deposits it all over the house. Sometimes when he comes in from a walk and lies down on his bed for an hour or so, when he gets up there is a Monty shaped shadow on the bed/floor like a chalk drawing at a murder scene!

He is an accomplished thief. Today he has been caught (just in the nick of time) with the pods from the egg poacher in his jaws. Any little loose toys lying around get collected in his mouth, they are normally chewed and spat out again, although we have had a marble pass all the way through, yuck! (Just in case you were wondering, we did NOT keep the marble)

He is convinced he is part feline and chases birds in the garden. He went through a phase of chasing ducks near the pond - and nearly caught one recently. Yikes!

We love him anyway, unconditionally, as he is. After all it is only our lack of prowess at training that has created his little behaviour quirks, and as dogs go he is a fairly tame example! That's life with a dog though, the absolution devotion, to you, to food and to muddy puddles - and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Just cohabiting?

I wonder have you been watching Big Fat Gypsy Weddings? If you have will you admit to it?

For me it is a guilty pleasure, I feel I ought not to watch it, and find myself recoiling at some aspects and values of a culture which is so different to my own. However, it is a culture in which marriage is held in high regard, and Christian marriage at that. The fake tan make be as heavy as the ginormous dress, the guests may be wearing next to nothing, the groom may retire to the pub before the ceremony when his bride is delayed but there is a ceremony and it is in church.

In this week's Church Times there is a feature which bears the same title as this blog post in which it examines the fact that an increasing number of Christians are choosing to live together before they marry (something which the traveller and gypsy communities would not condone).

As a child I would never have imagined that i would live with a man before he became my husband, nor that my parents would ever condone such an idea. However I did do just that.

My husband and I had been in a relationship for about two months when we discussed living together. The conversation went as follows:
Me "It seems crazy to be paying two lots of rent when we spend all our time together"
Him "Then why don't we get a place together?"
Me "Oh, my Dad would never accept that...unless we were planning on getting married."
Him (with a cheeky grin) "That could be arranged"

That sounded like a proposal to me! I let it slide and decided to wait and see what happened. I then spent a month perusing HSamuel's window not very discreetly admiring the little diamond solitaire in the window display. I had a major panic one day walking past when I realised it had gone from the window. At the end of June we were engaged, the proposal was going to happen inside our (then) local cathedral but as it is a tourist hotspot in June it ended up taking place in the close. I sat on the bench, he had one knee on the gravel. I wore the ring on a chain around my neck until he came home with me to ask my Dad's permission.

We moved in together a couple of months after that, we were engaged, we had decided on a date for our wedding and we had a year of living together before we were married. Although some people were disapproving in our church friends, most were unperturbed and we had two congregations packed into church with our families and friends to attend our Nuptial Mass. This glorious July day was a whole 16 months after our relationship began, this year we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.

My Dad particularly would never have agreed to our moving in together were it not for our decision to make the binding commitment of Christian marriage by becoming engaged and by setting a date for our wedding. In many ways he was a traditional man and a deeply moral man, but he was also of the opinion that it was the long lasting commitment to one another (finalised before God in marriage vows) which was the important bit not the wedding day.

For me then, marriage is the ideal, but it does not lessen the binding commitment that a couple make when they choose to share a home and a life together, it is the glue that helps to strengthen their bond together, and with God. It takes a strong couple to look into each others eyes and sincerely and with love tell them "All that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father Son and Holy Spirit".

Amen to that!